Another list that I think is relevant to this thread. I assume AOL’s not claiming all these songs are bad, just wussy; and considering that this forum is overwhelmingly male, I can see liking some of the songs below might be considered as guilty pleasure, though there are quiet a few questionable choices here.
AOL’s 111 Wussiest Songs Of All Time (2006)
111. ‘Do I Make You Proud’ – Taylor Hicks (2006)
110. ‘Seasons in the Sun’ – Terry Jacks (1974)
109. ‘Kiss Me’ – Sixpence None the Richer (1999)
108. ‘Wonderful Tonight’ – Eric Clapton (1977)
107. ‘What Hurts the Most’ – Rascal Flatts (2006)
106. ‘Break Up to Make Up’ – The Stylistics (1973)
105. ‘First Day of My Life’ – Bright Eyes (2005)
104. ‘Dancing in the Dark’ – Bruce Springsteen (1984)
103. ‘Daydream Believer’ – The Monkees (1968)
102. ‘People Are People’ – Depeche Mode (2006)
101. ‘I’m Into Something Good’ – Herman’s Hermits (1964)
100. ‘(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight’ – Cutting Crew (1986)
99. ‘Don’t Cry’ – Guns N’ Roses (1991)
98. ‘Against All Odds’ – Phil Collins (1984)
97. ‘Butterfly’ – Weezer (1996)
96. ‘I’m Not in Love’ – 10CC (1975)
95. ‘Hero’ – Enrique Iglesias (2001)
94. ‘Silly Love Songs’ – Paul McCartney (1976)
93. ‘Skyway’ – Replacements (1987)
92. ‘Mandy’ – Barry Manilow (1974)
91. ‘Angel’ – Shaggy (2000)
90. ‘Oh L’Amour’ – Erasure (1986)
89. ‘I Honestly Love You’ – Olivia Newton-John (1975)
88. ‘I Knew I Loved You’ – Savage Garden (1999)
87. ‘Open Arms’ – Journey (1982)
86. ‘Don’t Take the Girl’ – Tim McGraw (1994)
85. ‘Hey There Lonely Girl’ – Eddie Holman (1970)
84. ‘Crash’ – Dave Matthews Band (1996)
83. ‘You’re the Inspiration’ – Chicago (1984)
82. ‘I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman’ – Britney Spears (2001)
81. ‘On and On’ – Stephen Bishop (1977)
80. ‘Friday I’m in Love’ – The Cure (1992)
79. ‘The River’ – Garth Brooks (1991)
78. ‘Lovin’ You’ – Minnie Ripperton (1975)
77. ‘Scarborough Fair’ – Simon & Garfunkel (1968)
76. ‘To Be With You’ – Mr. Big (1991)
75. ‘I Need Love’ – LL Cool J (1987)
74. ‘I Want To Know What Love Is’ – Foreigner (1984)
73. ‘I Do (Cherish You)’ – 98 Degrees (1998)
72. ‘I’ll Make Love To You’ – Boyz II Men (1994)
71. ‘Iris’ – Goo Goo Dolls (1998)
70. ‘Crying in the Chapel’ – The Orioles (1953)
69. ‘You Had Me From Hello’ – Kenny Chesney (1999)
68. ‘Let Me Hold You’ – Bow Wow (2005)
67. ‘Kites Are Fun’ – The Free Design (1967)
66. ‘Burn’ – Usher (2004)
65. ‘Our House’ – Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (1970)
64. ‘I Just Called To Say I Love You’- Stevie Wonder (1984)
63. ‘Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want’ – The Smiths (1984)
62. ‘Time in a Bottle’ – Jim Croce (1973)
61. ‘Babe’ – Styx (1979)
60. ‘Too Shy’ - Kajagoogoo (1983)
59. ‘Someone Saved My Life Tonight’ - Elton John (1975)
58. ‘Bad Day’ – Daniel Powter (2005)
57. ‘She Believes In Me’ – Kenny Rogers (1979)
56. ‘Vindicated’ – Dashboard Confessional (2004)
55. ‘(Everything I Do) I Do It for You’ – Bryan Adams (1991)
54. ‘Leaving on a Jet Plane’ – Peter Paul and Mary (1969)
53. ‘2 Become 1′ – Spice Girls (1996)
52. ‘How Deep Is Your Love’ – Bee Gees (1977)
51. ‘Tutti Frutti’ – Pat Boone (1956)
50. ‘I’m in You’ – Peter Frampton (1977)
49. ‘Hero’ – Mariah Carey (1993)
48. ‘Just the Way You Are’ – Billy Joel (1977)
47. ‘Puppy Love’ – Donny Osmond (1972)
46. ‘Hip to Be Square’ – Huey Lewis (1986)
45. ‘Don’t Give Up On Us’ – David Soul (1976)
44. ‘Invisible’ – Clay Aiken (2003)
43. ‘Annie’s Song’ – John Denver (1974)
42. ‘When I’m 64′ – The Beatles (1967)
41. ‘You’ve Got a Friend’ – James Taylor (1971)
40. ‘God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You’ – *NSYNC (1998)
39. ‘With Arms Wide Open’ – Creed (2000)
38. ‘Alone Again (Naturally)’ – Gilbert O’ Sullivan (1972)
37. ‘So Sick’ – Ne-Yo (2006)
36. ‘Beth’ – Kiss (1976)
35. ‘She’s Like the Wind’ – Patrick Swayze (1987)
34. ‘I’ll Be Missing You’ – Puff Daddy and The Family (1997)
33. ‘My Heart Will Go On’ – Celine Dion (1997)
32. ‘Think of Laura’ – Christopher Cross (1982)
31. ‘Let Her In’ – John Travolta (1976)
30. ‘Walking on Sunshine’ – Katrina and the Waves (1983)
29. ‘Muskrat Love’ – America (1976)
28. ‘Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go’ – Wham (1984)
27. ‘More Than Words’ – Extreme (1991)
26. ‘Precious and Few’ – Climax (1972)
25. ‘Superman (It’s Not Easy)’ – Five for Fighting (2001)
24. ‘All Outta Love’ – Air Supply (1980)
23. ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ – John Mayer (2001)
22. ‘You Light Up My Life’ – Debbie Boone (1997)
21. ‘True’ – Spandau Ballet (1983)
20. ‘Such Great Heights’ – Iron and Wine (2003)
19. ‘Right Here Waiting’ – Richard Marx (1989)
18. ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ – R. Kelly (1996)
17. ‘Close To You’ – Carpenters (1970)
16. ‘All By Myself’ – Eric Carmen (1976)
15. ‘Cry’ – Johnny Ray (1951)
14. ‘Dear Mama’ – Tupac (1995)
13. ‘You Don’t Bring Me Flowers’ – Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand (1978)
12. ‘I Want It That Way’ – Backstreet Boys (1999)
11. ‘Hello’ – Lionel Richie (1984)
10. ‘Fix You’ – Coldplay (2005)
9. ‘If’ – Bread (1971)
8. ‘Do You Really Want to Hurt Me’ – Culture Club (1983)
7. ‘What’s Left of Me’ – Nick Lachey (2006)
6. ‘Longer’ – Dan Fogelberg (1979)
5. ‘Every Rose Has Its Thorn’ – Poison (1988)
4. ‘You’re Beautiful’ – James Blunt (2005)
3. ‘Ben’ – Michael Jackson (1972)
2. ‘Sometimes When We Touch’ – Dan Hill (1977)
1. ‘Shiny Happy People’ – R.E.M. (1991)
111. 'Do I Make You Proud' - Taylor Hicks (2006)
We're sure to get hate letters from the Soul Patrol for this one, but silver-haired 'American Idol' winner Hicks totally wussed out with this 100% soul-free first single. Blame it on evil 'A.I.' mastermind Simon Cowell -- he forced this ballad on Taylor.
110. 'Seasons in the Sun' - Terry Jacks (1974)
Originally intended for the Beach Boys, Terry Jacks' maudlin adaptation of Jacques Brel's 'Le Moribund' ('The Dying Man') was impossibly cloying and irony free. Ironically, it was also one of Kurt Cobain's favorite songs.
109. 'Kiss Me' - Sixpence None the Richer (1999)
Leigh Nash cooing gooey lyrics like "kiss me beneath the milky twilight" in her Tinkerbelle voice makes a heck of a case for this pop gem. That it appeared on the soundtrack to the equally tepid 'Dawson's Creek' seals the deal.
108. 'Wonderful Tonight' - Eric Clapton (1977)
Eric Clapton's romantic obsession with 'Layla' muse Patti Boyd also begot this quintessential prom theme. If 'Layla' is the sound of unrequited passion, 'Wonderful Tonight' is the sound of a man who has come to the realization that he's whipped.
107. 'What Hurts the Most' - Rascal Flatts (2006)
It's bad enough that lead singer Gary LeVox has a higher vocal range than Shania Twain, but to pair that voice with lyrics about a grown man crying over the one who got away? Now that is wussy.
106. 'Break Up to Make Up' - The Stylistics (1973)
In medieval opera, the castrati were the male singers whose voices were kept unnaturally high by virtue of castration. You might wonder about the equipment of Philadelphia's Stylistics, who gave us a remarkable run of falsetto hits including 'You Are Everything,' 'Betcha By Golly, Wow' and this classic tearjerker.
105. 'First Day of My Life' - Bright Eyes (2005)
It's hard for a love song played on an acoustic guitar not to sound wussy. But it's impossible once you add hushed, quivering vocals and lyrics about blankets on the beach. The fact that Connor Oberst has the physique of 12-year-old girl doesn't help either.
104. 'Dancing in the Dark' - Bruce Springsteen (1984)
If you're Bruce Springsteen, you've done quite well for yourself, thank you very much. If there's a single career moment that still haunts your dreams -- in pastel colors -- it's got to be the 'Flashdance'-era video for this feathery, synthesized blockbuster.
103. 'Daydream Believer' - The Monkees (1968)
It was 1968, so you'd be forgiven for thinking the daydreaming was inspired by some illicit activity. But the Monkees, by then a wildly successful establishment act with a network TV gig to protect, felt obliged to go the squeaky-clean route. The girl's the Homecoming Queen, for cripes' sake.
102. 'People Are People' - Depeche Mode (2006)
What does make a man hate another man? The heavily moussed boys of Depeche Mode ponder life's big questions on this other-cheek-turning electro popper. Dave Gahan's baritone firmly grabs the verse, but it's offset by Martin Gore's limp-wristed vocals.
101. 'I'm Into Something Good' - Herman's Hermits (1964)
These are the same twee chaps who brought us 'There's a Kind of Hush' and 'This Door Swings Both Ways' -- England's harmless answer to those hooligan Beatles. The singer and his girl dance close, he walks her home, she holds his hand . . . and it's impossible to imagine it going any further.
100. '(I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight' - Cutting Crew (1986)
These British New Wavers died on the charts shortly after this swooning rocker helped the men of the '80s get in touch with their emotions. Not even Fabio got this mushy.
99. 'Don't Cry' - Guns N' Roses (1991)
If you're a sucker for Axl's softer side, Slash's dramatic, shirtless guitar solos and big-budget videos that look really cool but make no sense, then this weeper is the second best song of all time -- next to 'November Rain.'
98. 'Against All Odds' - Phil Collins (1984)
Apparently, there were a lot of breakups in 1984, as this despondent ode to lost love topped the chart. The song completed one of music's weirder transitions -- Collins, who began as the behind-the-scenes drummer for the once-bizarro prog rock group Genesis, had become a power balladeer, setting the stage for Michael Bolton.
97. 'Butterfly' - Weezer (1996)
Rock's most endearing geeks went all-out on this acoustic whiner that tells the familiar tale of a guy screwing up a good thing. He's sorry. Really sorry. Rivers Cuomo nails the point by apologizing three consecutive times at the end of the song . . . and emo is born.
96. 'I'm Not in Love' - 10CC (1975)
"Big boys don't cry," the whispering voice keeps telling us. They do if they pay too much attention to this ethereal hit from the summer of '75. Her picture still hangs on his wall only to hide a "nasty stain." That's one depressing room.
95. 'Hero' - Enrique Iglesias (2001)
Mock this drippy ballad all you want, but remember this: Iglesias' warbly vocals and icky lyrics helped him land gorgeous Russian tennis player Anna Kournikova. Yep, he's our hero too.
94. 'Silly Love Songs' - Paul McCartney (1976)
Tired of being teased by ex-mate John Lennon that he wrote "Muzak," the cute Beatle struck back with this: a wussy song about the very concept of the wussy song. As this list amply demonstrates, people really haven't had enough of silly love songs.
93. 'Skyway' - Replacements (1987)
The most devil-may-care alternative rock band of the '80s was already getting a little doughy when 'Pleased to Meet Me' came out. And on this, the album's little acoustic ditty, Paul Westerberg pretty much became Bread.
92. 'Mandy' - Barry Manilow (1974)
This first chart hit from the man who would continually reset the bar for pop wussiness was a No. 1 smash. Astonishing stat: 10 of Bar's first 11 hits topped the Adult Contemporary chart. But for God's sake, somebody kiss the guy already and stop him from shakin'.
91. 'Angel' - Shaggy (2000)
Here we have a performer called (of all things) Shaggy who's notorious for horny lyrics in songs titled 'Boombastic,' 'It Wasn't Me' and 'Freaky Girl.' Didn't he realize that this fluffy love song was a step backwards in the quest to become a sex god? Where was his wingman on this one?
90. 'Oh L'Amour' - Erasure (1986)
This synth-pop hip-shaker out-wusses the rest thanks to the syrupy, a capella intro that smothers the tune with a thick coat of melodrama before the drum machines even kick in. It could only be campier if Andy Bell were wearing a tutu while he sang it. Oh, wait a minute...
89. 'I Honestly Love You' - Olivia Newton-John (1975)
If you've ever wondered how a 30-year-old Australian got cast as hopelessly devoted teenybopper Sandy in 'Grease,' listen to this wad of heartfelt goo. Recorded four years before she skipped on over to Ridell High, John's first No. 1 is the very sound of female yearning.
88. 'I Knew I Loved You' - Savage Garden (1999)
The millennial Air Supply. The band name, borrowed from Anne Rice, is wildly misleading -- Savage Garden were nothing if not savagely non-threatening. Hiring Kirsten Dunst as the video's object of affection didn't make the group's biggest hit any more butch.
87. 'Open Arms' - Journey (1982)
The shamelessly manipulative ballad: Every big pop-rock act had to have at least one. After hearty, lusty rockers like 'Any Way You Want It' and 'Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin',' then mega-stars Journey let Steven Perry's squishy side lead on this gelatinous weepie.
86. 'Don't Take the Girl' - Tim McGraw (1994)
If Tim's high-pitched twang doesn't make you cringe, the song's lyrics sure will. He's about as manly as Faith Hill when he begs -- tail between his legs -- "don't take the girl."
85. 'Hey There Lonely Girl' - Eddie Holman (1970)
When R&B radio listeners flocked to record stores to buy this sublimely sweet single, they saw the name "Eddie" on the sleeve and muttered, "A guy sings this?" Decades later, Holman's smooth falsetto still fools the occasional slow dancer and car-commercial viewer.
84. 'Crash' - Dave Matthews Band (1996)
With these fairytale overtones, whispering vocals and desperate lyrics, Dave showed that he's more sensitive than the frat boys in the front row of his concerts. Oh, except for the "hike up your skirt a little more" part . . . 'cause that's a ballsy thing to say to a chick.
83. 'You're the Inspiration' - Chicago (1984)
If you entered "inspiration," "end of time," "heart & soul," "love" and "wussy" into an auto-song generator, this is the song it would spit out. Peter Cetera and co. were so unoffensive here, it's offensive. For the Muzak version, we imagine they just stripped out the vocals.
82. 'I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman' - Britney Spears (2001)
After three years of inspiring a billion barely-legal fantasies with her suggestive songs and peek-a-boo outfits, Britney reigned in the Lolita act and played the wide-eyed-and-innocent card on this pop confection, proving that even bubblegum pop tarts have ability to wuss out.
81. 'On and On' - Stephen Bishop (1977)
This one just about sums up the whole great decade in soft rock: Everybody's got a broken heart. Poor ol' Jimmy "puts on Sinatra and starts to cry"; Lonesome Sue "smiles when she feels like crying." In the mid-'70s -- energy crisis, Watergate, Vietnam -- who didn't?
80. 'Friday I'm in Love' - The Cure (1992)
The worst thing Robert Smith ever did was fall in love. After more than a decade of leading the goth army with songs soaked in wrist-slitting melancholia, the Cure frontman skipped into the Top 40 with this deliriously upbeat diddy about getting nookie at the end of the week.
79. 'The River' - Garth Brooks (1991)
This song makes the "King of Country" sound more like the queen. Or like Tony Robbins. With its chase-after-your-dreams message, it's the generic self-help book of music.
78. 'Lovin' You' - Minnie Ripperton (1975)
Opening with the soft sound of chirping birds outside the window, this song is as overtly sexy in its own way as a stack of Barry White and Donna Summer 12-inches. But that glass-shattering ululation Minnie musters is hardly soft.
77. 'Scarborough Fair' - Simon & Garfunkel (1968)
Based on a folk ballad dating back to the 1670s, there was nothing particularly rock 'n' roll about the S&G hit that immediately preceded 'Mrs. Robinson.' Neither parsley nor sage, rosemary nor thyme could spice up these placid proceedings.
76. 'To Be With You' - Mr. Big (1991)
The sole No. 1 hit for hard-rock shredders Mr. Big was more likely to be heard around a campfire than in a rock club. The follow-up single was 'Just Take My Heart,' further proof that sappy sells. Especially in Japan.
75. 'I Need Love' - LL Cool J (1987)
Homeboys have feelings too, and Mr. Smith deserves props for being the first to admit it. After searching both inside the closet and under the bedroom rug, he concluded his quest for intimacy with "I'll be waiting . . . I love you." Aww, no wonder the ladies adore him.
74. 'I Want To Know What Love Is' - Foreigner (1984)
After a hard-rockin' and hot-blooded '70s, our corporate-rock protagonist apparently encountered so much heartache and pain he didn't know if he could face it. Whaah. The gospel choir on the chorus seals in the wimpiness like a Ziploc baggy.
73. 'I Do (Cherish You)' - 98 Degrees (1998)
Four young meatheads who obviously listened to too much Boyz II Men are hardly the source for wisdom on the sanctity of marriage. With lyrics fit for a first grader and a music video featuring Screech from 'Saved by the Bell,' it's hard not to wince from this much wuss.
72. 'I'll Make Love To You' - Boyz II Men (1994)
Their rivals may have been bumping and grinding their way up the charts, but Boyz II Men's desires were more wholesome. Any sensual deed would be initiated by the lady and, of course, performed only in the manner she preferred. A true gentleman knows that passion is no excuse for rudeness.
71. 'Iris' - Goo Goo Dolls (1998)
Nothing shreds the last ounce of manliness left in your music career like recording a dramatic power ballad set to synthesized violins and placing it on the soundtrack to a Meg Ryan movie . . . right next to Sarah McLachlan, Alanis Morissette and Paula Cole.
70. 'Crying in the Chapel' - The Orioles (1953)
Like the baseball team of the same name, this doo-wop crew hailed from the streets of Baltimore. However, hardball was not these birds' game, as they relied on ladykiller Sonny Til's silky baritone. This churchy weeper was so smooth that Elvis would later cover it.
69. 'You Had Me From Hello' - Kenny Chesney (1999)
Note to Kenny Chesney: Imitating Tom Cruise is a bad idea. The star-struck country hero wrote this song after watching 'Jerry Maguire,' in which Cruise utters these famous words to Chesney's future bride, Renee Zellweger. As for the marriage, we think the song's chorus lasted longer.
68. 'Let Me Hold You' - Bow Wow (2005)
What's the first thing a young rapper does to assert his manhood? Make a love song, silly! In jacking classic Luther Vandross and enlisting a pubescent Omarion, Bow Wow poked out his bird chest and proved his rhymes could be as sappy as the next man's.
67. 'Kites Are Fun' - The Free Design (1967)
Folk singers had a wealth of inspiration in the late '60s: war, race riots, a sexual revolution. Breezy brothers and sister combo Chris, Bruce and Sandy Dedrick preferred to focus on simpler matters. And they sang the truth: Kites are fun.
66. 'Burn' - Usher (2004)
Usher used an entire album to rid himself of the guilt he built up cheating on TLC's Chili -- and sold 11 million copies along the way. But his gutsy 'Confessions' take a turn for the wuss on this track when he cries, "Man I don't know what I'm gonna do without my boo-ooh."
65. 'Our House' - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young (1970)
It opens with flowers in a "vahz" and only gets more precious from there. Written for Joni Mitchell during their period of blissful cohabitation in her Laurel Canyon bungalow, when Graham Nash lapses into all those "la la"s on the bridge, we can't help but hear him mocking himself.
64. 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' - Stevie Wonder (1984)
Stevie, we love you. Really, we do. Therefore, we must be honest: As sweet as an impromptu phone call to express one's feelings is, the ensuing reflection on summer rains and chocolate-covered candy hearts is overkill.
63. 'Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want' - The Smiths (1984)
Morrissey's famous moan graced every Smiths song there ever was, but it reached new levels of hopelessness on this shameless plea for affection. Writhing in self-pity and good manners, this tune remains the most castrated song of the Modern Rock era.
62. 'Time in a Bottle' - Jim Croce (1973)
Waltz time is a direct, foolproof route to wussiness. No, you don't mess around with Jim, the guy who also gave us 'Bad, Bad Leroy Brown,' but he's feeling more than a little fragile here.
61. 'Babe' - Styx (1979)
Regardless of how big of a "babe" she was, what self-respecting man hands over all of the credit for his "courage and strength" to his lady? Dennis DeYoung, a man who stopped touring because of his aversion to bright lights, that's who!
60. 'Too Shy' - Kajagoogoo (1983)
For New Wave fans who thought A Flock of Seagulls were just too darn edgy, there was Kajagoogoo. This alternately pouty and bouncy MTV hit made singer Lamal and his fellow bleached-blonde Brits household names . . . briefly. Quick, name another Kajagoogoo song.
59. 'Someone Saved My Life Tonight' - Elton John (1975)
Sure, this song is about running away from a "prima donna" who almost bullied Elton into marrying her. But Captain Fantastic's life was saved by a friend he calls "sugar bear." Enough said.
58. 'Bad Day' - Daniel Powter (2005)
You voted a million times, but your favorite 'American Idol' still lost. Don't despair, because Daniel Powter's showstopper came to the rescue on every episode, admonishing your fallen karaoke hero to suck it up and move on.
57. 'She Believes In Me' - Kenny Rogers (1979)
Talk about your false modesty: He knows he won't change the world with his "little songs." Meanwhile, she's lying in bed at home waiting for the big lug. When he belts the line "I'll never know just what she sees in me," we sure can see where he's coming from.
56. 'Vindicated' - Dashboard Confessional (2004)
We're not sure what "slow spinning redemption is," but we bet it's pretty wimpy. Even two sleeves of tattoos and the inclusion of his song in a superhero flick can't make Mr. Dashboard tough, but we have no doubt that his songs of raw emotion get him laid.
55. '(Everything I Do) I Do It for You' - Bryan Adams (1991)
Arguably the high (low?) point in a hit-making career heavily bogged down in schmaltz, which is another word for lard. Bonus points for serving as the theme song for 'Robin Hood' -- a Kevin Costner flick.
54. 'Leaving on a Jet Plane' - Peter Paul and Mary (1969)
Written by heavyweight wuss John Denver, who died . . . in a plane crash. Ouch.
53. '2 Become 1' - Spice Girls (1996)
Titular use of numbers in place of letters aside, '2 Become 1' makes the list for its romanticization of booty calls. The strings, desperately sappy lyrics and hint, nay, whisper of a safe sex message take all the shame out of quietly sneaking home at 6 a.m.
52. 'How Deep Is Your Love' - Bee Gees (1977)
They're remembered as the pop act that got huge off disco, but what the Brothers Gibb truly excelled at was mournful melancholia. 'To Love Somebody' and 'How Can You Mend a Broken Heart' both became sad-sack standards, and this No. 1 smash was only marginally more optimistic.
51. 'Tutti Frutti' - Pat Boone (1956)
Thanks, Pat. You took all the fire and fury (not to mention rhythm and blues) out of Little Richard's seminal hit and turned it into a sanitized schmaltzfest. At least you made Richard a millionaire in the process.
50. 'I'm in You' - Peter Frampton (1977)
... You're in me? Whatever sort of love affair was going on here, Frampton charted higher with this dainty single (No. 2) than any of the blockbuster hits off his previous breakthrough album, 'Frampton Comes Alive.'
49. 'Hero' - Mariah Carey (1993)
Even the recording academy thought this hit was too sugary for its own good. Despite the song's presence at telethons, tributes and kiddie concerts, the '95 Grammy for Pop Female Vocalist went to Sheryl Crow's 'All I Wanna Do.' Proof that fun in the sun trumps multi-octive soul-searching.
48. 'Just the Way You Are' - Billy Joel (1977)
An instant cocktail-hour classic that featured a sax solo as creamy as a chocolate mousse, this definitive Adult Contemporary hit made Joel the envy of all sensitive males. "Don't go changing," he sang. Then he divorced his first wife and married Christie Brinkley.
47. 'Puppy Love' - Donny Osmond (1972)
If only he'd waited to hit puberty before branching out from the family act: Donny's first solo hit sounds like it was sung by Marie.
46. 'Hip to Be Square' - Huey Lewis (1986)
Huey Lewis, an Ivy Leaguer as a graduate of Cornell University, put his pocket protector on his sleeve and tried to convince the rest of us that it's actually cool to be a goody-goody. T'yeah! It's a darn shame this song never found its way to an after-school special.
45. 'Don't Give Up On Us' - David Soul (1976)
Before this singer-turned-actor became famous as Starsky's Hutch, he was a regular on 'The Merv Griffin Show.' Appearing as the Covered Man, he performed folk songs in a ski mask. We kid you not.
44. 'Invisible' - Clay Aiken (2003)
After belting out power ballads with Meat Loaf-like intensity on the show, the 'American Idol' salutatorian released this bashful, watered-down single about being too timid (and, apparently, transparent) to approach his heart's true desire. Maybe this is why Clay turned to online dating.
43. 'Annie's Song' - John Denver (1974)
This John Denver classic will fill up your senses -- and exercise your gag reflexes. It's the perfect song for swaying back and forth 'round a campfire. So, anyone up for a sing-along? We didn't think so.
42. 'When I'm 64' - The Beatles (1967)
No less icky now that Sir Paul has in fact turned 64, this song is a prime example of McCartney's affection for "the old rooty-tooty music" (as producer George Martin once called it) of his father's generation. Any Beatles fanatics out there whose grandkids are actually called Vera, Chuck, and Dave?
41. 'You've Got a Friend' - James Taylor (1971)
Putting capital 'L' in Lite FM, this '70s folk rocker made us all feel cuddly, safe and warm inside with this super-sappy Carole King snoozer about cheering up the lonely, sad and pathetic. This is the 'Had a Bad Day' of the '70s.
40. 'God Must Have Spent a Little More Time on You' - *NSYNC (1998)
Guys dig this song because they think chicks dig it. Chicks dig this song because they think guys actually mean it when they say they dig this song. God digs it because of the shout-out.
39. 'With Arms Wide Open' - Creed (2000)
Scott Stapp celebrated the birth of his son by proclaiming in his Eddie Vedder-wannabe growl, "We stand in awe, we've created life." Thankfully, he also had the self-awareness to admit, "If I had just one wish . . . I hope he's not like me."
38. 'Alone Again (Naturally)' - Gilbert O' Sullivan (1972)
The guy's been stood up at the altar, his folks both dropped dead, even his God has deserted him. Now he's going to "treat" himself by jumping off a nearby tower. Oh, the humanity!
37. 'So Sick' - Ne-Yo (2006)
We've all been there. Post breakup, you find yourself sleeping in the T-shirt he left behind or refusing to wash the scent of her perfume from your pillow. Luckily, R&B's newest star put these emotions into words and gave us all the courage to finally move on.
36. 'Beth' - Kiss (1976)
Like Ringo, drummer Peter Criss got a token song on each Kiss album. How this henpecked apology got past uber-misogynist Gene Simmons, we may never know. Just imagine the razzing Criss must have taken whenever the missus phoned the studio and nagged him to come home.
35. 'She's Like the Wind' - Patrick Swayze (1987)
Just as we applauded Swayze as the dirty dancing man's man who refused to let Baby be put in a corner, the actor released this flimsy ballad. Though his singing isn't half-bad, the cheese factor caused the tune to dissipate as quickly as the air itself.
34. 'I'll Be Missing You' - Puff Daddy and The Family (1997)
Further confusing those who thought the Police's 'Every Breath You Take' was a love song, Puffy turned it into this sappy hip-hop tribute to his fallen friend B.I.G. Awkward moment of the year: Sting singing backup at the 1997 MTV VMAs.
33. 'My Heart Will Go On' - Celine Dion (1997)
After 'Titanic' broke every box-office record imaginable, Celine Dion's "love theme" from the film was inescapable to all but those under jury sequester. The bright side of the nauseating phenomenon? Years of sketch comedy material to come.
32. 'Think of Laura' - Christopher Cross (1982)
We are terribly sorry for the loss of Christopher's friend, Laura. And we do think she would laugh, not cry, if she heard the high-pitched vocals on this cheesy tribute. Did Christopher skip puberty?
31. 'Let Her In' - John Travolta (1976)
Vinnie Barbarino wouldn't be caught dead singing this, and Danny Zuko would probably sucker-punch its love-struck songwriter. "I'm different today," the aspiring singer-actor sang. Different from the characters that made his career, maybe: Here he plays a doormat.
30. 'Walking on Sunshine' - Katrina and the Waves (1983)
The title alone could qualify this hopelessly fizzy ditty. Optimism is for suckers!
29. 'Muskrat Love' - America (1976)
Yep, even semi-aquatic rodents got it on in the '70s. In addition to jitterbugging and tangoing, Muskrat Suzie and Sam enjoyed "doing it right" by candlelight. British lightweights America failed to crack the Top 40 with this ditty, but, unfortunately, the Captain & Tennille tried again three years later . . . and squirmed their way to No. 4.
28. 'Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go' - Wham (1984)
Maybe it was the way George Michael rhymed "go-go" with "yo-yo." Perhaps it's because he compared the sun to Doris Day -- back when he wasn't openly gay. Whatever the reason, listen between the lines and you'll hear why the Whammer was left sleeping while his partner went out to boogie.
27. 'More Than Words' - Extreme (1991)
After this long-haired Boston foursome failed to hit big with heavy metal, they went straight for the sell-out ballad, complete with the requisite acoustic-guitars-on-stools video. More common at '90s high school dances than spiked punch.
26. 'Precious and Few' - Climax (1972)
With their shaggy hair and hip threads, these L.A. boys looked like rockers, but fructose -- not feedback -- poured out of their amps. This, their lone top 10 hit, was so sweet that it would be come a staple for TV commercials . . . alongside kiddies and puppies.
25. 'Superman (It's Not Easy)' - Five for Fighting (2001)
If your band is named for the hockey penalty for brawling, you've got no business feeling sorry for yourself.
24. 'All Outta Love' - Air Supply (1980)
Robbed! That's what these Aussie wussies must feel about the indignity of seeing 23 titles above theirs. And they did everything right: woe-inducing string arrangements, insipid heartsick lyrics, a chorus that repeats itself 9,000 times -- with more and more emotion. Damn, this competition is tough.
23. 'Your Body Is a Wonderland' - John Mayer (2001)
We know, we know -- he's like, a respected blues guitarist now, right? But let's not forget that this boyish singer-songwriter once broke hearts with breathy, sugar-soaked songs. God knows how he pulled off lyrics like "candy lips and bubblegum toes" without getting a beatdown by boyfriends everywhere.
22. 'You Light Up My Life' - Debbie Boone (1997)
Hey, it's not her fault -- Pat Boone's her dad. With a whopping 10 weeks spent at No. 1, this song falls squarely (and we do mean squarely) in the great tradition of spiritual treacle disguised as secular love songs.
21. 'True' - Spandau Ballet (1983)
Any band with the word "ballet" in its name is predestined to score high on the wuss meter. Add a lead signer who belts his lyrics with the overcooked, show-tune enthusiasm of Tony Hadley and the deal is sealed.
20. 'Such Great Heights' - Iron and Wine (2003)
The Postal Service originally delivered this love song with poppy synthesizers and sickeningly optimistic lyrics, so it has a level of wussness baked in. But have Iron and Wine cover it, put it on the 'Garden State' soundtrack and use it in an M&M's commercial, and you have yourself a wussy homerun.
19. 'Right Here Waiting' - Richard Marx (1989)
Richard Marx owes the public two apologies: One for the mullet and another for this mopey ballad, which still pops up just when we think it's safe to get our teeth cleaned.
18. 'I Believe I Can Fly' - R. Kelly (1996)
When Kenny G. covers your song, it's official -- your testosterone is waning. Backed by a full orchestra and choir, Kells' growing self-esteem left him poised in a cornfield ready for take-off. Now facing a child pornography trial, he probably wishes he really did have wings.
17. 'Close To You' - Carpenters (1970)
The Carpenter siblings laid the groundwork for an unparalleled career in low self-esteem with their first big hit, a No. 1 tune written by Burt Bacharach and Hal David. Why do birds suddenly appear? Depends what kind. Vultures? Chicken hawks?
16. 'All By Myself' - Eric Carmen (1976)
Carmen's Raspberries were one of the power-pop firecrackers of the '70s. Going solo evidently sucked all the spark out of the poor shlub. This one gets the nod over 'Never Gonna Fall in Love Again,' another all-time pity party: It came first and charted higher.
15. 'Cry' - Johnny Ray (1951)
Poor 'ol Johnny Ray indeed. This pretty-boy '50s crooner didn't just sing about crying -- he practically cried about it. This gushy hit made teenage girls want to take this sad sack home and mother him. Their boyfriends just wanted to give him a real reason to cry.
14. 'Dear Mama' - Tupac (1995)
Code of the streets No. 1: Show love to no woman. Yet when 'Pac rapped, "Even as a crack fiend mama, you always was a black queen mama," he proved the rule's exception and caused thugs everywhere to wipe their eyes. One tear only, though. Any more than that, and you'd be a buster.
13. 'You Don't Bring Me Flowers' - Neil Diamond & Barbra Streisand (1978)
It's the merging of guilty pleasures. Neil meets Babs in a violin-ridden tale of love that's expired like their careers. "You don't bring me flowers; you don't sing me love songs . . ." Sounds like an episode of 'Dr. Phil.'
12. 'I Want It That Way' - Backstreet Boys (1999)
"Tell me why" every Backstreet Boys song didn't make its way to this list? A sonic assault of sappy that stuck in your head like a bullet, this song's cloying chorus and the Boys' accompanying choreography were just screaming for a playground beatdown.
11. 'Hello' - Lionel Richie (1984)
Over a spare piano melody, the R&B romantic -- and daddy to Nicole -- sings of unrequited love. The woman he loves has no idea he exists, but that's not the point. He really cares for her. After all, isn't that why we all stalk people?
10. 'Fix You' - Coldplay (2005)
These British softies apparently didn't get the memo that 'Dawson's Creek' had been cancelled when they wrote this weeper. Luckily, the producers of 'The O.C.' love syrupy ballads, and frontman Chris Martin managed to outwhine the show's mighty Cohen.
9. 'If' - Bread (1971)
The uncontested champions of wuss, these hair-parted-in-the-middle, slacks-wearing California boys have forgotten more classic whimperings than James Blunt will ever write. Nothing showed off sensitivity to the ladies like a 'Best of Bread' 8-track. By comparison, the Eagles were Slayer.
8. 'Do You Really Want to Hurt Me' - Culture Club (1983)
While most '80s icons were out scoring with models, Boy George spent his free time weeping in his studio. Torn apart by his turbulent love affair with his Club's closeted drummer, the cross-dressing pop queen poured his heart out on this mid-tempo tearjerker. Listen closely and you can almost hear his mascara running.
7. 'What's Left of Me' - Nick Lachey (2006)
Newly-divorced Nick got his heart broken by mean ol' Jessica, and it spawned this syrupy serenade. He may be "half the man," but getting half the money can't be all that bad, can it?
6. 'Longer' - Dan Fogelberg (1979)
Of the lawsuits holding musicians responsible for violent lyrics, comedian Denis Leary once quipped, "Does that mean I can sue Dan Fogelberg for making me into a ##### in the mid-'70s." After citing a couple of this song's Hallmark-card metaphors, the prosecution could rest.
5. 'Every Rose Has Its Thorn' - Poison (1988)
Poison's rampant hedonism was just a cry for help from the band's secret, inner wuss. If the lipgloss didn't give it away, lyrics like "instead of makin' love, we both made our separate ways" exposed the guys as a bunch of softies. Any real metalhead would know that roses are only cool when paired with guns or tattoos.
4. 'You're Beautiful' - James Blunt (2005)
It's the classic, tragic love story: Stoned man sees pretty girl on subway, girl exits with boyfriend, man loses will to live . . . all set to a #####in' Spanish guitar riff menacing enough to evoke Wham's 'Careless Whisper.'
3. 'Ben' - Michael Jackson (1972)
Long before he was accused of anything unsavory, Michael Jackson's mind was in the gutter -- singing this screechy love song to a rat. Yep, Ben, the protagonist of the movie of the same name, was a heckuva guy, but he ate garbage. We wish we could say that rodent love songs stopped here, but see also 'Muskrat Love.'
2. 'Sometimes When We Touch' - Dan Hill (1977)
It doesn't get much softer than this soft-rock classic from a Torontonian who barely got it up for one more Top 40 hit a decade later. He wants to cuddle his beloved "til the fear in me subsides." By the sound of things, that could be awhile.
1. 'Shiny Happy People' - R.E.M. (1991)
Disowned by the band on its 2003 greatest-hits album despite being one of the critically adored "college rock" group's biggest chart successes, 'Shiny Happy People' is a case in point that irony doesn't always translate. (That's why they created emoticons
Supposedly written in response to the horrific Tiananmen Square massacre in Beijing in 1989, the song finds poetic lyricist Michael Stipe borrowing from a bit of Chinese propaganda roughly interpreted as "shiny happy people holding hands." But the finished product was no trenchant political statement from a human-rights warrior exercising the power of his celebrity. Instead, it was an anthemic lobotomy, precisely the kind of pop puffery the band meant to skewer.