Does it ever get better?

letmeintomyzone
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Does it ever get better?

Postby letmeintomyzone » Thu Mar 09, 2017 7:08 pm

I'm experiencing a bit of a emotional crisis right now.

I'm autistic, and I have a lot of things I want to do. I want to write and draw, but lack the patience for it, and I'm afraid I'll just suck at it, like I'll draw, and have no experience and talent at it. I hate my writing. And I feel like, despite hating 4chan and 8chan, it's the only opportunity for the kind of quick discussion and ability to use pictures, which, I love the format of 4chan and 8chan, the linear design and ability to post pictures, but it being a site revolving around hazing, just makes me upset. I got permabanned from 4chan, and I'm struggling to even resist the urge to browse 4chan, and 8chan, is essentially just as bad.

I've been jobless for about a year now, and I'm fearing I'll never find a job. I live with my dad, and my mom constantly makes me feel bad, saying things like "your father's raising you to become evil just like him", and my sister escaped the hell that was our family, and is leading a healthy, normal life, and I'm deeply jealous and resentful of her.

I have no friends or no hobbies I like. I want to become some who reads books and comics, plays videogames, listens to albums, and watches films and TV shows that people consider "must watch/must play/must listen/must read", but I keep feeling like I hate reading, and I kind of hate watching films, especially the longer films, due to my ADHD, and I struggle with gaining the patience to actually continue working on my Best of All Time lists and Best of the Year list I'm struggle to compile.

I deeply appreciate how you nice you guys are to me, and I'm having some really dark and angry thoughts.

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Pierre
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Re: Does it ever get better?

Postby Pierre » Thu Mar 09, 2017 8:34 pm

Look, I don't know how you actually feel, even though I've been suffering from social phobia through a good chunk of my youth so I can relate to a remote level, but what I have to say about it probably won't be reassuring to you. One of my ex-girlfriends also suffered from it and we both faced it in different ways; she sought counseling, while I had a relatively difficult adolescence and got out of it by strength of will alone. However, I'm not autistic, so whatever I may say probably won't apply to your case. However, your message does reveal some huge problems with your approach.

Once again, I don't know you, nor your family and the relations you have with them, but there are several issues that I think you have to resolve if you want to move on.

- First, get out of the 4chansphere. I see how it can be comforting to someone like you - this is an anarchic hole where there's a complete lack of responsabilities, an extreme fluidness of conversations that encourages this loss of responsability, but man, they're setting an awful example for you to follow. You have to build some solid ground for your projects and interests, and this is the last place where you should go for that.
- Secondly, you're extremely wrong with your relation to your sister; frankly, you're just 180° opposite of the feelings you should have. You say it yourself: your family is a hell, so do you feel it's abnormal that your sister sought to flee it and lead a normal life? You're jealous and it's natural - since you're autistic, whatever she managed to get, you will be able to but with greater difficulties, and I know it's unfair. But she's your sister! You should love her as such and be thankful that fate allowed her to be so lucky with her life, no matter what your difficulties are and the conflicts you may have had with her. Frankly, you've got to let love back into your heart and if possible reconcile with her. She's more an exemple for you to follow than your parents seem to be.
- Third, I believe I understand to some extent your need to go for the stuff everyone should watch/listen/read/like etc. From the little I know of autism, it might be a way for you to get psychological comfort. But... If you don't find fulfillment with your approach and tastes, then you might simply be doing things the wrong way. If you don't like your current hobbies, try other things as long as it's socially acceptable, if you don't like the music you're listening, listen to something else, if you don't like your writing, try writing something else/about something else. Don't post it on 4chan. Post it somewhere it will stick around. Dunno, DeviantArt for instance. You need to learn to cope with your errors and learn from them. You need to practice to get better; it works that way for everything, and I know it's frustrating, but even if there are naturals around, it's the same for about all average people, whatever their own issues are, and trust me, they have theirs. I do write a bit myself and when one of my short stories or reviews sucks, and I'm self-conscious of it, no big deal. I'll try again, and if there are things that are to be kept, I'll keep 'em. And I'll try again.

To answer the question that is the title of your thread, yes it gets better. But unless you've got a stroke of luck (never discard the eventuality that it will happen, it DOES sometimes) you also have to move on yourself because you can't always rely on luck. It can be hard, especially with your condition and from your description your familial setting doesn't seem to be a good place to hang around - I don't know, try joining a club of sort, a drama class, anything, somewhere you meet new people that are not your parents. And man, you've got to stop resenting your sister. You're totally wrong about that. OK, don't know where I'm going with that, except that you have to be a more loving and active person if you want things to get better. Seriously. I don't know how to conclude that, except to tell you to stay strong, so I'll just stop here. People are no monsters and even if they might feel uncomfortable with such deep confessions and won't necessarily answer, it doesn't mean your situation didn't touch them. You may have no friends but I can tell you that all the people who will come and read your message here will be thinking about you for a bit, and among the people you've met and who are aware of your issues there are necessarily some good souls who hope your situation will improve. We're never completely alone - even if the modern society is pretty awful in terms of building social relations. Stay strong, move on. I'll even wish you good luck, it's free of charge.

Nick
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Re: Does it ever get better?

Postby Nick » Thu Mar 09, 2017 8:48 pm

1. Does it get better? I won't tell you that it does for everyone, but in my experience, yeah, it generally does. Not that I'm that old myself. No clue how old you are, but from your post I'd guess late teens through mid-20s or so. I'm 25, which is pretty young, but is still old enough to have seen a lot of people I know go through some dark periods and come out better.

2. To quote Adventure Time's Jake, "sucking at something is the first step towards being sorta good at something". So what if you suck at drawing and writing? Everyone sucks at first. Embrace the suck. No, seriously, embrace it. Just start drawing and writing and don't worry about being as good as some random guy on the internet. That random guy on the internet didn't start out amazing. He started out sucking. If you truly like making stuff then just focus on making stuff. The stage where you're "good" will come later.

3. 4chan and 8chan are pretty toxic places, and I say this as someone who used to go on 4chan a lot back in 2008 - 2011. I'd count that permaban as a blessing not a curse. My mood improved noticeably after cutting 4chan out of my life. There are a lot of other communities online with much more...pleasant users. This site is one. Finding others shouldn't be difficult. Reddit is alright, provided you avoid the toxic subs.

4. Being jobless sucks. I went through two different periods of joblessness a couple of years ago, the first one lasting 4 months and the second one lasting 5 months. But the thing about the job search is that it's always sucking until it's good. There's no real shade of grey when it comes to it. Either you have an interview lined up or you don't. What sort of job are you looking to get? Do you have a college degree or some certification?

5. If you don't like to read or watch long films you shouldn't need to feel pressured into liking those things. It's okay to not really be into reading. But if you'd like to start regardless, it may be a good idea to start reading short stories and novellas. It's a lot easier to think about finishing a 100 page book than it is to finish a 600 page one. But, again, you shouldn't feel like you NEED to be a reader or you NEED to be the kind of guy who can watch "Lawrence of Arabia" in a single sitting. If drawing and music are more of your thing than reading and cinephilia, then there's nothing wrong with that.

6. If you have ADHD, consider taking medication if you don't already. I have some friends with some pretty bad attention deficit problems and their medication has helped them immensely.

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StevieFan13
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Re: Does it ever get better?

Postby StevieFan13 » Fri Mar 10, 2017 12:01 am

I've had social disorders, and I don't think I can say much that these two smart guys haven't already said. But from my experience, tough as things may be, it does actually get better. Just keep doing what you feel like you want to do. My motto is, "If it makes you happy and doesn't hurt anybody, it can't be bad."
Music is a world within itself, with a language we all understand - Sir Duke (1976)

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DocBrown
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Re: Does it ever get better?

Postby DocBrown » Sun Mar 12, 2017 6:25 pm

As Pierre suggested, I have given your post some thought and struggled with whether a response is even valid. I'm not in your shoes and I don't know that it WILL get better. But it can get better.

My youngest daughter is autistic, although that diagnosis covers a huge range of possibilities as you know. Her life has always been a struggle and living with her has often been a challenge too but as a father I couldn't be more proud of what she has accomplished. While I have always tried to be supportive of both my children I have to admit that the things she has done have been done mostly on her own because I don't really understand what her brain is doing most of the time.

I won't bore you with the details but my girl is now 27, recently graduated from college, employed by a Fortune 500 company and last month bought her own home. She hasn't yet managed to move to her own home because, well, she's autistic and change is hard. But for her, yeah things got better. And they got better every time she decided to take control of her own life. Like making friends, which is such a challenge. When she began college she just said it's a new world where nobody knew her past and she was going to be the cute quirky one. So that's what she did and today she is so popular; princess of the geeks. She didn't try to change who she is; she just packaged it in a different way.

So it can get better. You have to choose to make it better. Decide what your strengths are going to be and then make it happen through persistence, determination and hard work. If you don't do that it won't get better guaranteed. If you do maybe it will get better. Maybe.

Pierre and Nick offered excellent advice and I hope you find it helpful. But it sounds to me like your family situation is kind of toxic so maybe your first goal might be independence. I know without a job that might be a long step but there are jobs out there and within your reach. Just make it your only priority and accept that the job you want may not be the job you have to do today.

I wish you all the success you can find and I know it's possible for you.

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Dexter
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Re: Does it ever get better?

Postby Dexter » Mon Mar 13, 2017 5:25 am

Just a suggestion, how about make a list for different activities and use a notebook to keep track, like watch a 3-hr. film, play it 30 mins. at a time; read a book by the chapter; play one side of an album; etc. and jot down your progress. At least it makes doing them more manageable, fun and not a chore. Have someone help you do this, there might be literary clubs near your place. One great website to search this is meetup (dot) com. While the people here in AMF are friendly, nothing beats flesh and bone interactions.

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PlasticRam
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Re: Does it ever get better?

Postby PlasticRam » Wed Mar 15, 2017 11:31 pm

From my personal experiences I've found that in situations where I thought I had no hope, then circumstances changed and there was a path for me to pursue after all. So you might feel like you're in a tunnel and you see no light at the end of it, but eventually some kind of light will show up - it almost always does, even in the situations that seem the most hopeless. Regarding circumstances changing, I would say 50% of the job you have to do yourself and seek a new path, and 50% of it is just things changing naturally, life surprising you.

Sorry if I scrambled two cliched analogies, but I couldn't think of a better way to put it.
I feel like that


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