Lyric advice? (somewhat urgent)

[dramaqueen181]

Alright, so I've written a song for someone for their birthday and it has to be sent (via post) asap. It happens to be for a member of a famous k-pop group (I'm a bit of a fangirl, please dont judge) so it needs at least 2 weeks to ship- hence my urgency...

The song is basically about how even though I'm an international fan on the other side of the world, they've affected my life in so many positive ways.

So my question is: do you think I should keep my lyrics is 1st person (I, me, we), or narrate somewhat like Sara Bareilles' "she used to be mine," but am actually still talking about myself...? Here's the final verse and bridge to compare...

1st person POV:
[V3]
I know I must sound naive
for stirring up such foolish dreams,
I mean, cmon...
You're on the other side of the world.
I just wish that you could see
the crazy things you do to me
It's unreal, the things I feel for you.


Your smile, it gives me life
and your laugh's how I survive
When I fall down, you're there to help me up.
So this is me, I'm thanking you
for all the things you've helped me through
I'm just one girl, across the world,
but I love you.
_____

However, if I were to do it in 3rd person, I'd keep the end of the bridge the same- to show that it was myself I was talking about. Like this...

3rd person POV:
[V3]
She knows that she seems naive
for stirring up such foolish dreams,
I mean, cmon...
You're on the other side of the world.
She just wishes you could see,
just how much your [music] sets her free-
It's unreal, the things she feels for you.


Your smile, it gives her life
and your laugh's how she survives
When she falls down, you're there to help her up.
she is me, and I'm thanking you
for all the things you've helped me through
I'm just one girl, across the world,
but I love you.
_______

This is only a small bit of the whole song, I can post the rest of the lyrics for critique if you guys think it's needed. Please be honest, I want to know what you think.
(It's for Jeon Jungkook, if anyone is familiar with BTS)

okay... thoughts? Any advice is appreciated!!

[StevieFan13]

You might be asking the wrong crowd. We like pop music as much as the next guy (I actually know who BTS are), but we don't write songs very often and there's more of a preference for rock around these parts.

[prosecutorgodot]

Hey, I like your spunk. Most fans draw pictures (which is not a bad thing), but a song? That's unique.

Me, even though I love pop, I have no experience with songwriting, and maybe some songwriters (Honorio?) should answer your question. I like the first-person approach better. The third-person version basically has a surprise at the end, but it might not hit that hard if basically the person knows already that it is fanmail. The first-person approach feels more straightforward and genuine, and the best pop songs are written that way.
The lyrics themselves are okay, they don't stand out to me.
I'm hoping you write a killer melody to go along with these lyrics!

[Pierre]

It depends on how you personally feel about it. The first person point of view makes it feel like a straightforward love letter, while the third person point of view creates a distance that translates in my opinion in some bittersweet irony, when the last line kicks in and reveals you're talking about you.

My own perception is that I like the third person approach better, I find it actually more touching. But as shown before, prosecutorgodot feels otherwise. So perhaps you'll have to rely on your own feelings in the end Good luck!

[dramaqueen181]

Thank you guys so so so much for your help so far.
Okay, update: I rewrote the verses and shortened them to only 2.
A tiny bit of personal BG info:
these past two years I've been working through some pretty tough depression, social anxiety, etc. and k-pop (specifically this Idol and the group he's a part of) have really helped me cope. I'm sure you all understand the profound effects music can have, even if you don't know the language it's written in-- the emotions and message still transcend. Hopefully that'll give you a bit of perspective when it comes to the intimate and confessional nature of my lyrics.

[V1]
You can see it plainly on my face
I've been living in a dark, dark place
The seas are rough,
The water's black as night...
But there's the whisper of a melody
A song that calms my raging seas
A song from you
Saying hey- you'll be alright

PC // CH

[V2]
I just wish that you could see
The way that you have set me free
It's because of you
That I am here today

But the thing that hurts the most
is knowing I am nowhere close
A world away
And yet, not far at all

PC // CH // BR // CH
__________

Question: the two sections of V2... which order do you think they should go in...?

Thank you so much. It really means a lot.

[StevieFan13]

Oh, absolutely! Music has definitely helped me out when I've felt low. And if you ever need anything, just holler. We're sympathetic folks here.
Can't speak much about chords, though, since the only music I read is drum notation.

[prosecutorgodot]

The only music I have written was a rap for a school project once. I'd probably cringe so hard if I read it now. I salute your efforts.

Hm, what's the pre-chorus and chorus?

I think I might actually prefer the second part coming first. (remove the "but")
The thing that keeps bugging me is that "yet, not" sounds awkward. Dunno how to fix it.

[StevieFan13]

The thing that keeps bugging me is that "yet, not" sounds awkward. Dunno how to fix it.

"Although not" could work better.

[dramaqueen181]

The only music I have written was a rap for a school project once. I'd probably cringe so hard if I read it now. I salute your efforts.

Hm, what's the pre-chorus and chorus?

Yeah, sure... Here's the PC and CH--

[PC]
This fantasy, of you with me
There's no escaping now.
So many things that can never be
But I refuse to back down.
[CH]
So i'll keep fighting, and trying
won't let you go,
I'll climb mountains, cross oceans
Just to let you know
that even though you've never seen my face,
or heard my name-
You've touched me in a way that I will never be the same.

[prosecutorgodot]

Just looking at the PC and CH in a vacuum for now, pretty good. One critique: Don't say "trying," that sounds lame. Say pushing or rising or something with a stronger action element.